Why Do We Neglect One or More of Our Three Core Drives?
Why do so few of us live in integrity with all three of our Three Core Drives (authenticity, connection and impact)? Why don't we fully express the high side of them in a coordinated and aligned way in our day-to-day lives? How do we start falling out of integrity in the first place?
This article reveals where we first begin to move away from our integrity. You will discover that there are very good reasons we make this choice. You will be introduced to the architecture we use to cope with having to place our integrity on hold. And you will uncover the price that compromising integrity for the sake of childhood survival costs us as adults.
Why is it important to understand your relationship with integrity in your childhood, adolescence and early adulthood? Because your brilliant childhood survival patterns became automatic unconscious adulthood habits that no longer serve you. Did you know that adult fulfillment depends on outgrowing these childhood survival patterns? The more you understand what you brought from your childhood survival plan into your adult life, the more focused and effective you will be in becoming fully yourself, in getting the love you want and in making your own unique difference in the world. This is the secret to successfully living your life from the high side of your three core drives. It is the secret to living a fulfilled and integrity-based life.
What Feels Like Love to Childen: The Three Loves
There are many things that are loving to offer a child, such as food, clothing, shelter, health care, etc. But there are only three things that feel like love to a child: connection, validation and safety.
The Three Loves reinforce a child's Five Primal Energies and Three Core Drives. They also help children learn how to properly digest their life experiences.
What Prevents Children From Properly Digesting Their Life Experiences: The Four Forms of Disconnection
Life is constructed so that virtually none of us experiences connection, validation and safety (the Three Loves) all of the time as children. All of us experience Disconnection at times when we need nurturance, validation or safety. Disconnection comes in four flavors:
- Violation: intrusiveness or harmfulness
- Abandonment: neglect, absence
- Indulgence: spoiling, not being held accountable
- Stealing the Attention: where an adult reacts to us by becoming even more upset than we are in moments as children when we need nurturance
The only difference from one child to the next is the amount of Disconnection we experience, especially during particularly difficult (or joyful) life experiences.
The Four Disconnections cause children to dim or repress their Five Primal Energies and Three Core Drives. They also cause children to learn the wrong things from their life experiences because the Four Forms of Disconnection prevent children from learning how to properly digest their life experiences.
Your Brilliant Childhood Mechanism for Coping with an Insufficiency of the Three Loves: Your Survival Plan
To cope with whatever amount of Disconnection Experiences you has as a child, you developed a set of strategies for trying to regain Connection and for surviving despite Disconnection. This set of strategies is called a Survival Plan.
A Survival Plan includes five ingredients that work hand-in-hand to empower us to cope as children with difficult life experiences:
- Happy Ending Fantasy
- Pandora's Box
Survival Plan Ingredient #1: Your Happy Ending Fantasy
Manufacturing hope through a Happy Ending Fantasy that says your life will get better if you can figure out what to do differently in order to get more of the Connection, Acceptance and/or Safety your childhood development requires.
Survival Plan Ingredient #2: Your Rules
Rules are the things you discover you need to do in order to have the best possible chance of making your Happy Ending Fantasy come true. Rules include what you need to cover up or change in yourself and the ways you need to make things easier for the adults around you. Rules are what we replace aspects of our authenticity and integrity with. They are the templates we later use to try to create relationships.
The part of you that became the holder and enforcer of your Rules is your Inner Critic: the part of you that pushes you to do more than you can do, that criticizes you when you don't follow its rules and that lashes out at others when they don't fulfill your Happy Ending Fantasy when you do follow the rules.
Survival Plan Ingredient #3: Your Pandora's Box
This is the place in you where you hide gifts and talents of yours that you believe are too much for others, aspects of yourself that you have judged awful or unacceptable, and a growing backlog of Undigested Life Experiences (traumas, etc.).
Survival Plan Ingredient #4: Your Mask
The is your mechanism for getting others to see you as the person you think they need you to be, and to hide from others the aspects of yourself you learned were unacceptable and hid in your Pandora's Box.
Survival Plan Ingredient #5: Your Anesthesias
You need a way to numb the pain you feel because no amount of trying to figure out and follow the Rules makes your Happy Ending Fantasy come true. You need a way to numb the pain you feel because you gave up aspects of who you are (portions of your authenticity), and you sacrified portions of your integrity, for the sake of survival. You need a way to numb the pain of carrying a backlog of Undigested Life experiences. An anesthesia is anything you use to numb your pain.
A Survival Plan is Incompatible With Integrity!
Survival trumps integrity. As a result, the extent to which your Survival Plan ruled your life as a child determines the extent to which you grew up to be out of integrity with yourself, in your relationships with others, and with collective highest good.
What Happened to Your Survival Plan When You Become an Adult?
Like any habit, in order to be effective your Survival Plan needed to become automated and unconcious when you were a child. Over time, it simply came to feel like part of who you are. This is why all of us bring our Survival Plan into our adult lives. This, in turn, is why a significant part of Adult Development is about outgrowing our Survival Plan and replacing its skill sets with the Seven WisePassions of 3D Living™.
By the time you became an adult, your Survival Plan had morphed into a Redemption Plan.
Adolescence to Young Adulthood: Your Survival Plan Morphs into a Redemption Plan
At some point, probably in adolescence or early adulthood, you gave up trying to get the Connection, Validation and/or Safety you sought from the adults you depended on. You had become old enough to handle knowing they could not provide these things to you enough of the time, or in the forms you needed.
At that point, your Childhood Survival Plan was replaced by an Adulthood Redemption Plan. Your ego's Redemption Plan has nothing to do with religious wisdom about redemption. Rather, this ego-based version of redemption uses the same five skills as your Survival Plan. The difference between the two is the focus of your Happy Ending Fantasy. It shifts to:
- Proving you deserved more of the Three Loves than you got (connection, validation and/or safety)
- Looking for ways to justify your existence even though you supposedly don't deserve more of the Three Loves than you got
The purpose of a Redemption Plan is to attempt to absolve you for having failed to get what you needed as a child. There are two basic ways to do this. Both are about proving that you really do deserve an abundance of Connection, Validation and Safety after all. The difference between the two versions is that one is driven by success and the other is driven by failure. Most of us do a combination of both in different parts of our life. Take a free Redemption Plan Symptoms quiz to find out more about your own Redemption Plan and how strong a role it plays in your life - click here.
The "I Deserve More" version uses accomplishments to prove how undamaged you are despite all that you had to survive. Different people use different types of accomplishments to try to redeem themselves, including:
- Proving you can take care of yourself through being self-reliant or through self-improvement
- Proving you can succeed financially, socially, in power positions, or through creating impressive things
- Proving someone will love you or that you can love someone right
- Proving you can save others or the world
Some of us become Self-Improvers, some become Connectors and some become Do-Gooders.Take a free Integrity Checkup quiz to find out which style is strongest in you - click here.
The problem with these "I Deserve More" versions of the Redemption Plan is that no amount of accomplishments is ever enough to prove that we are lovable, valid or safe. A Deserver's life may look great to someone observing it, but it rarely feels great to the Deserver for very long, no matter how much they accomplish. The accomplishments either never quite feel good enough or the high wears off quickly, necessitating a next quest and a next one after that. So, all four varieties of the Success version of Redemption Plan are doomed to fail.
In contrast, the Failure version is about proving how damaged you will always be because you didn't get enough of the Three Loves as a child. Life is about suffering, deprivation and believing that this is 'just how life is.' Life feels like it will never stop being this way. Those using this Redemption Plan version believe one of two things as a result of their childhood Disconnection experiences:
- I really am worthless and I therefore deserve to fail as an adult;
- I am not worthless but I need to make the world see the damage that was done to me by those who harmed me during childhood; until then I cannot allow myself to truly thrive
As you can see, both varieties of the Failure version of the Redemption Plan are forms of living death.The problem with the Failure version of the Redemption Plan is that no amount of failure ever seems to be enough to get anyone to rescue you from having been so badly 'wronged' as a child.Take a free Redemption Plan Symptoms quiz to find out more about your own Redemption Plan and how strong a role it plays in your life - click here.
Both the Success and Failure Redemption Plan variations sidestep the real issue: you are proving something rather than living your passion (life mission, calling) simply because it is your passion. Regardless of whether you are trying to prove your worth or prove how damaged you are, you are still proving a point rather than living your life. (You might be trying to prove this to yourself, your childhood caregivers, new people you meet as an adult, and/or God.)
Doing this means you are continuing to sacrifice aspects of your authenticity and/or integrity, just like you did as a child, except now you are doing it to prove your point! Redemption Plans are about wanting to be right rather than happy. No matter how you slice it, remaining more loyal to your Survival Plan, or its Redemption Plan equivalent, than to truly thriving as an adult means never feeling whole or fulfilled. It means never truly developing as an adult. It means living out of integrity with yourself, in your relationships and with collective highest good.
Living life from your Redemption Plan makes 3D Integrity™ and 3D Living™ impossible! This is how all of us have, to one degree or another, fallen out of integrity by the time we reach adulthood!
Take a free Redemption Plan Symptoms quiz to find out more about your own Redemption Plan and how strong a role it plays in your life - click here.
Adult Development is about regaining our integrity. This is accomplished through outgrowing our Survival and Redemption Plans and upgrading the Seven WisePassions that Natural Developers intuitively develop in order to live in integrity with all three of their core drives. This is the secret to living a fulfilled life that you too can master. The New IQ and its accompanying New IQ Integrity Makeover Workbook show you how.
Take your next step toward fulfillment; purchase your own copy of The New IQ: How Integrity Intelligence Serves You, Your Relationships and Our World and The New IQ Integrity Makeover Workbook now and learn step-by-step-by-step how you can create the fulfilling life you seek... and make a positive difference in the world at the same time.
© 2007 Dr. David Gruder, www.TheNewIQ.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
You are welcome to reprint this article but only in its entirety, with all links intact and with this entire reprint message.